I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
