Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
