Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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