Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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