Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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