Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
