I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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