You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
