you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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