I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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