My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
