ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
