I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
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