is your mom at the bar?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize