Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
