So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Randomize
