Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
