She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
