Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
