I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
