dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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