My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
i believe in u and ur pee
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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