Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
