we have pet lesbian snakes
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
