I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
