OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
