I skipped work to stalk him.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
