How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
