please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
