I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Randomize
