I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I could fuck to npr.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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