had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
