I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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