The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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