Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
