Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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