i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
