I am full of burrito and curiosity
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
