never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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