...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
