yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
