R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
