I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
