She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
