You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
