I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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