I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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