So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Randomize
