I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
