Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
