Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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