In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
