I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
