awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Randomize
