I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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