When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm really busy with my period
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
