omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
