my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
