How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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