thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
