its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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